First honeymoon night - Funny Jokes

Maria was just married and, being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria," he mother said: "Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you."

So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and said: "Mama, Mama, Tony has a big hairy chest."

"Don't worry, Maria," the mother said: "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants, exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother: "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he has hairy legs!"

"Don't worry," her mother said: "All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you."

So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs: "Mama, Mama, Tony has a foot and a half!"

"Stay here and stir the pasta," the mother said: "This is a job for Mama."

Perfect gift - Funny Jokes

A rather dim-witted blond man was talking to his buddy: "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday," he said. "She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."

"I have an idea," his buddy said. “Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it -- she'll probably be thrilled."

The next day the two men met up again: "Well? Did you take my suggestion?" the friend asked.

"Yes, I did," said the man.

"Did she like it?" His buddy asked.

"Oh yes!" the man replied: "She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling 'I'll be back in an hour!'"

Parachuting

A blind man was describing his favorite sport: parachuting.

When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go."

"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.

"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground," he answered.

"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked.

He quickly answered: "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."

Cruising

A man wanted to determine whether both his wife and mistress were faithful to him. So he decided to send them on the same cruise, then later question each one on the other's behavior.

When his wife returned, he asked her about the people on the trip in general, then casually asked her about the specific behavior of the passenger he knew to be his mistress.

"She slept with nearly every man on the ship," his wife reported.

The disheartened man then rendezvoused with his cheating mistress to ask her the same questions about his wife.

"She was a real lady," his mistress said.

"How so?" the encouraged man asked.

"She came on board with her husband and never left his side."

Wife's panties

Two men were walking home from work one afternoon.

"Damn," said the first man: "As soon as I get home, I'm gonna rip my wife's panties off!"

"What's the rush?" his friend asked. "The bloody elastic in the legs is killing me," the man replied.

Marriage counseling

A young couple, on the brink of divorce, visits a marriage counselor. The counselor asks the wife: "What’s the problem?"

She responds: "My husband suffers from premature ejaculation."

The counselor turns to her husband and inquires: "Is that true?"

The husband replies: "Well, not exactly. She's the one that suffers, not me."

Ice cream cravings

Two old men suffering from long-term memory loss were sitting on the steps of the old folks' home when an ice cream van drove past.

"Gee," said the first old codger: "I'd love an ice cream right now."

"Would you like me to get you one?" asked the second old man.

"Are you joking?" the first old fart snapped back: "You'd forget my order straight away."

"No I wouldn't," replied the second."

"All right, then," said his friend: "I want a double cone with mint ice cream and chocolate chips, and a cherry on top."

The second old man repeated the order flawlessly. Five minutes later, he walked back carrying two meat pies. The first old man looked at the pies in disgust then yelled: "I knew I should've gone myself. You forgot the bloody sauce!"